I receive a lot of messages from submissive’s who are just starting out and looking for advice.
One of the things I love about getting these messages is that it’s so incredibly heartwarming and comforting to see people who are beginning to discover this side of themselves, who feel safe, confident and comfortable enough to reach out and ask questions and seek clarification on different things. I love that we have a community here that helps support and guide new submissive’s in such a way that even those who are brand new and just starting out know that they can reach out to people for help and knowledge.
The part that can be slightly challenging is that people who are brand new don’t necessarily know specific questions to ask, which makes sense, you don’t know what you don’t know! The tricky part is figuring out how to respond to really broad questions in meaningful ways.
For example, I have been talking with a submissive who is new to D/s who asked for advice on “Which topics I should learn or which topics are important? Or if you can tell me anything that will give me a full understanding or topics that would be good to research” (I have reworded very slightly).
The wonderfully heartwarming part is that a brand new submissive is seeking to research, self educate and is reaching out to other submissive’s and that should absolutely be applauded and encouraged!!
The harder part is trying to answer that question in a meaningful way purely because it covers a lot of ground, and it’s really easy to go off on a tangent about something that may not be very helpful.
SO.
Here is my attempt to be genuinely helpful, stay on track, provide accurate and useful information and cover the essentials (Wish me luck! Oh yeah, heads up, this is going to be a long post).Safety First:
There’s no sugar coating it, there are very real risks involved in D/s relationships and BDSM activities, and if you’re just starting out the best place to start researching is how to make sure you stay safe in your explorations, both physically and mentally.
I highly recommend researching some of the key safety elements as a starting point, because it will help you to have some of these in the back of your mind as you consider other elements of D/s relationships and BDSM activities.
- SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) are terms you are likely to come across, and, @bedroombondage has written a wonderful summary/explanation of these terms (which you can read here)
- Safe words, signals and gestures are also incredibly important to know about and understand (Click here to read more about safewords)
As you explore and discover things that appeal to you, or things you want to try, try to also remove the purely fantasy element and also research what the risks are within each element, how you might minimise them, and how they might interfere with being able to say your safe word (for example, if you’re gagged then you would need an action or signal instead of being able to verbally state something).
Limits
When you’re first starting out, it’s unlikely that you will know exactly what your limits are, they’re likely to be subject to change over time as you grow and begin to understand and connect to your submission more.
That’s absolutely okay! I think we’ve all found things we once never thought about but later felt a desire to try, and that can still happen years down the track!
The important thing to understand is that you are the only person who can decide if you’re comfortable with trying something. I don’t care what it is, it doesn’t matter if it seems harmless or silly, if you are not comfortable exploring something or trying something then that’s okay.
You may come across people who try to take advantage of your lack of experience and try to convince you to do things that you don’t want to do. That says more against them than it does about you and your limits, and it’s important that you move at a pace that’s comfortable to you.
Not to say there won’t be times when you might be nervous before trying something new, and if you want to push past those nerves because you’re with someone you trust and feel safe with then that’s okay. It’s always your call though, you don’t have to do anything that you really don’t want to do.
I have written a little bit before about how I approach and define my limits (which can be read here)
It might be worth keeping a journal or something similar to capture your thoughts, things you have learnt and to begin recording where you think different things sit in terms of your limits.
There might be times you question your sanity
Really.
It’s an emotional time and as you navigate you are likely to uncover things you never knew about yourself, and things you’re not sure how to reconcile within yourself.
Just as it’s important to know about how to maintain physical safety, being aware of the risks to your mental health is also incredibly important.
Especially for new submissives I highly recommend reading up on sub-frenzy, there’s a wonderful post about it written by @fortheloveofasubmissive which can be read here.
Sub drop is also something you are likely to come across and experience, and I highly recommend reading @angelpet’s article on sub drop as well (link here)
The best thing to do if you’re worried about your mental state, or if you’re beginning to feel overwhelmed when researching is to reach out to other submissive’s.
I promise you, we have all been there before, and there are so many wonderful people here who are willing to help answer questions or even just listen to you if you just need to offload.
If you do find yourself in a situation where you need to reach out and seek professional help, please do so, @confidentialonlinetherapist here on Tumblr is extremely kind and very kink friendly, and I assure you that if she can’t help you herself she is likely to know someone within her network who will be able to work with you and find you the help you might need.
Take your time
There can be a tendency to rush into things, or to want to try everything straight away, but try to take it slow. It’s a long journey ahead of you and if submissive is part of who you are at your core then you have a lifetime to explore, discover, grow and try new things.
Try not to compare yourself too much with others, use your past self as a reflection of how far you have come and the things you have learnt. It’s good to have goals and an idea of where you want to be in the future, but it will take longer to get there if you look for shortcuts or push yourself to be at the same place as someone with years more experience.
Allow yourself to be your own submissive
If you’re single you have a wonderful opportunity to learn what your submission means to you when it is yours alone. Understand the value of that gift before handing it to another.
There are many ways that you can train yourself that will help you prepare for a D/s relationship, and help you connect more with your submission.
If you’re interested in domestic service for example you could take classes in cooking or sewing or teach yourself how to iron the perfect shirt, or give the perfect massage or any number of things! Even if you can’t afford to go out and take a class there are plenty of video tutorials online that will teach you different skills.
If kneeling appeals to you, try kneeling in different positions, take note of how different positions affect you physically and mentally.
Know yourself as a submissive, identify what you want from it and what you can do with it. Understand how valuable your submission truly is and do not hand it to another who does not respect and cherish it as you do.
Research, research, research!
The above is just a starting point, but the more you research and learn from others the better equipped you will be.
@fuckmethroughthesheets has also recently written advice to a new submissive which contains some wonderful links and resources (Link here).
I also highly recommend reaching out to a range of different people, and gathering information from a variety of perspectives.
I wrote out my ‘Recommended Follow List’ a little while ago which lists some of my favourite people with as well as collaborations and resources here on Tumblr (it has also now been updated).
I think for now that’s a pretty good start as a first instalment, but please do reach out if I can help at all, and please – never stop asking questions, and never stop learning. None of us know everything, we’re all still growing and we’re all still learning, but together we might just know enough to help one another on our ways.
~Wyn xx
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Disclaimer: This post was made from and by a NSFW kink blog. Do not like or repost this if you run a SFW blog that may be seen by minors, even if you are over 18 yourself. If you’re under the age of 18 please do not interact with this post or the blogger in any way. If I find you in violation of this request I will block you, for my own protection and the protection of minors.
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I have had another Anon, who is quite new, reach out to me asking for advice on how to get started.
Anon, I promise to write something a little more specific and tailored to you as soon as soon as I have a little more time to write to you properly, in the meantime, I hope that the above may be of some help to you.
My best wishes, and apologies for the delays,
~Wyn x
The New Submissive
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